Hey

Just thought I'd touch base as I was reminded I've been a bit vacant lately, can't say why just been busy doing nothing.

Today has been the only day which I haven't had plans which is strange because my summer holidays usually consists of doing jack shit.

Not that I'm complaining, I like being busy.

Also the fact that I've been busy means I haven't had too much time to reflect on things that are going on in my life. Normally, when I have hours of free time I end up in a terrible state because I end up thinking way too much which I've learnt isn't good for me. I think now I crave being busy so I don't have to face the truth and reality.

My confidence is getting better slowly, I'm not as shy as I used to be. I presented an award in front of 300 people which was pretty impressive for me, even though I was absolutely terrified before I went on. It was just lucky I didn't have to make a speech!! And also I can now easily go up to people and start chatting. God knows where this new found confidence has come from, but I like it.  I'm even becoming more body confident, wearing things that I would never dreamed of wearing a few weeks ago. I guess I've just realised that this is me, why fight it when you can just embrace it and get better results!!

I'm also going through the process of getting a car which isn't as simple as going into the local ford garage and pointing at the one you want. It takes so long as I have to get a grant from te government as the car costs about £50,000 and surprisingly I don't have that much cash lying around. But, I can't wait to get driving, all that freedom, I can see myself never at home which would be amazing.

Also, it's just over a year til I go to uni, which I just can't wait, I'm just so excited to get out of this place!

Anyway, thats all my developments so far

x

This weekend was my brithday 17 yay.

Had an awesome weekend. Saturaday was my actual birthday and we just did family stuff, went for a meal and random stuff.

And yesterday we had a bbq with some of my friends which was so cool, thre was about 9 of us in all.

The weather was all really good, all sunny

Anyway I'm done!!

Feel a bit crap today. The weathers awful and I've gone down with this sickness bug so couldn't go to school. Unlike most people, I love school, as I'm around my friends and don't feel as lonely as I do when at home.

Just finished another poem. Again I don't know where it came from so I can't give you my current state of mind but here it is anyway. Let me know your thoughts on it whether it like of loathe it, cheers;

Freedom

I want him to look,
Look for me,
Look for my devotion,
Look for my empty soul,

I want to be cared for,
Cared for by my love,
Cared for because I’m me,
Cared for evermore.

I want to be loved,
Loved by him,
Loved eternally,
Loved for myself.

But,

He will never look,
He will never care,
He will never love.

So,

I want to be free,
Free from his grasp,
Free from his pain,
Free from his mind.

Let me be unbound,
Let me live my life,
Let me forget about you,
Let me move on.

If only I could,
If only my mind allowed,
If only my heart would let go,
If only you didn’t exist.

My love won’t die,
My love will be perpetual,
My love will never abscond,
Even though you did.

So my exams have almost finished, only one more to go so I thought I'd give myself a break by letting my creative side out after my disasterous biology exam this morning. So I wrote another poem. Someone left me a comment saying I should state my current state of mind before I share my poem. I thought to myself this is quite a good idea. But in all honesty while I may be slightly on the miserable side at the moment due to the horrendous morning, I don't know where the emotion comes from in my poetry. I seem to be able to place myself in someone elses situation and picture their thoughts and feelings. So while pondering my current state of mind I found I am just feeling creative and now a bit confused. Although I do admit that on my first blog entry, there was s situation that sparked that poem but I feel that I shouldn't state it. So here is another attempt at my poetry, let me have a stab in the dark of the state of mind that I attempted to describe. I would say she has finally realised that the person she is in love with will never feel the same towards her, and this is her saying that while she will never forget him but she has to move on with her life.

Here goes, let me know your thoughts:

You’ll find it if you search,

You won’t have to hunt too long,

If only you took the time,

To find the passion I give.

But you won’t look,

Won’t take the time,

To find my amorous soul,

So I remain unloved.

Yet I still seek to be treasured,

Even by you,

For you’re who by heart ponders for,

Never will it vanish

The love I feel for you,

Will remain in my heart eternally,

No matter where my life goes,

My love for you will be everlasting.

It's funny how people get set in their own little ways. As I've been a person with no life this week due to my exams I have spent a lot of time starring aimlessly out of the window. Due to living in a village you get to know people's routines. For example, there is one family consisting of a grandfather and grandmother, a mother and three young children. Everyday, without fail, this family will walk three times a day up and down the same piece of road whether rain or sun. And in this day and age a regular family walk is very rare. The little piece of information I do know about them is they are from china so maybe this is just how families spend time together or maybe they just appreciate the unpolluted air, who knows? It made me think of how set I am in my ways. My day, when not in school, consists of me lying in for quite a while, contemplating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed because I know the day will hold nothing of interest. But without fail I do get up usually before midday and normally spend a couple of hours on my laptop. I guess I use it as an escape. When I talk to people on the computer I can be whoever I want, I don't have to be plain old Lauren, I can be different which is what I crave everyday. But seeing as nobody really talks to me while online I soon lose interest in this although stay logged on in the pure hope that someone who wants to talk to me will come online, which rarely happens but it's always good to have hope.

But I think I've finally realised that I have to get a life, I seriously can't live my life trying to escape everything anymore so instead I should try and make an effort to do something with my life, who knows what though!! I really just have to stop being sooo antisocial and make an effort to see people, even though I'll probably find it hard at first it should pay off in the long run. I just have to stop being so self conscious and fuck what everyone else thinks. I want to have fun just like everyone else and I'm not going to let a few people who can't see me as anything else but a "wheelchair" stop me from enjoying my last few years of having no responsibilty. Ah finally a mental breakthrough wow!! Erm just hope it lasts the night. So next weekend, after the dreaded exams have finished I am going to start to do something, anything, just to get me out the house. I'm thinking night out get a bit pissed, not too much though as last time I did I got my chair stuck in a doorway, wasn't my finest moment but hey it was a laugh. So I should probably get back to my history revision while I'm still feeling mildly enthusiastic. Ok well bye for now!!
xx

Ok so here's yet another attempt at me being creative. Hope you like it:

I never wanted to be let go,

His grasp so tight,

I didn’t move,

Instead I embraced him.

I felt him strain away,

I wouldn’t let go,

His lips touched mine,

I collapsed in a love-stricken heap.

And suddenly ,

He was gone,

I was left alone,

Alone in the cold, dark world,

Never to be loved again.

I hate this time of year with all the exams. I'm currently half way through my AS levels and already sat Maths and English, but still got History and Biology to go. I just think exams miss the point of learning. All they do is test your ability to memorise things, they don't care how well you can write or how well you understand things, all you have to do in recite things parrot fashion and your get the marks. All the hard work and effort goes into one exam and if you muck it up then thats it! I get so stressed during this exam time, I can never relax and the littliest things drives me into an angry fit and the smallest thing will send me into floods of tears. I can't wait for it to be over, to go back to having a life again, even if it is a shit life at least its slightly better than spending all my time studying. It's weird to think that these are the exams that are going to go on your UCAS form, and if you don't do as well as you hoped, your chosen uni goes down the drain. I guess what doesn't help is I'm not one of the "naturally bright" people. I have to work much harder than some to get good grades and it makes everything so much harder. I suppose I've always surpassed peoples expectations and exams are just another hurdle for me to overcome. There's realy no point in me moaning anymore it's not going to get me anywhere except for more stressed. So thats it from me
x

I realised that I haven't given much away about me, all you will no so far is the little bit that is on my profile. Well as you might have figured I'm Lauren and I'm 16. I live in Cardiff which is alright although the constant stereotypical image of the welsh does get quite annoying after a while as we really don't have that many sheep and don't all sound like 'Gavin and Stacy'!! 

I'm most definately not like everyone else. I have a physical disability which basically makes my muscles a lot weaker than everyone elses and it also means that I use a powered wheelchair all the time. I hate sympathy, most of the time I feel so lucky and privaleged. And as my sticker on the back of my chair says "Walking is overrated" which I most definately like to believe. I have had such a better life than some of the people I know and most of the time I love who I am. But I do stress the 'most of the time'. Like everyone I have down days when I wish I could be and look different because it would make life so much easier. I guess growing up and trying to become independent I have become more frustrated, I get angered at the slighest thing, like not being able to get the lid of my make-up or when I can't open a packet of crisps. To look at me you would think I was so laid back I was horizontal but deep down I get angry and frustrated just like everyone else, but I'm the type of person who doesn't like people to see how I really feel. There's very few people I really trust to know how I truely feel. 
    
I have very little confidence and self esteem and I think thats come from spending 16 years being pointed at and starred out like I'm some freak who's come straight out of a zoo. I guess my confidence issue isn't helped my the fact that I hate looking in mirrors or anything reflective, I hate what I see looking back. My lack of confidence makes me ridicously shy around people I don't really know and sometimes even people I do. I've never had to make much of an effort to talk as no-one talks to me as they always talk to the person who's with me, I guess people see the chair I think I have no brain. And I've faced that challenge all my life, the fact that people don't think I have a brain, when I was just seven I was told I wouldn't scrap five GCSE's and I got ten all above a B and now looking to apply to Cambridge. I've always rose to the challenge of outdoing peoples expectations. But even though to most people I seem constantly happy, I'm not. I hate the fact that I have very little friends and the ones I do have are growing and changing around me, they're get drunk, get in relationships and I'm just stuck as the anti-social one. The "in" scene just isn't me and as I get older it makes me even more removed from soceity. And I accept thats partly my fault, I isolate myself, I've taken many knocks in the past and I don't want it to happen again so I keep myself to myself. No-one can understand what being starred all the time does to your confidence when you're just trying to have fun unless you've been through it themselves. Most girls get starred out because their skirts are too short or they're wearing ridicously high heels, instead I get starred at because I use wheels to get around.

Relationships aren't my thing either, even though I wish they were. But this time it's not me, it's other people. When guys see me they never see me as girlfriend material, and I now see it is as perfectly acceptable. I know people wouldn't want to go out with me I'm ugly and not fun to be around. But I think if people took the time to scratch the surface they would see a different side. Not a shy person, just reserved. And they would find someone with the biggest heart who gets too involved with peoples problems but always helps with good intentions. Someone thats loyal and would never go behind someones back. I wouldn't dream of cheating on someone, the guilt would be too much to bare, just knowing that I'm hurting the person I care about. People never see that side of me even though I wish they did.

I find I'm going through a bad stage at the moment and I don't know a 100% whats caused it but I have a feeling. And I think the previous poem gives something away. I thought something was going so well and then it all blew up in my face, and it hurt a lot. I don't think that really helps the fact that I feel so lonely all the time. And this blog might help, it lets me write my feelings down instead of them all piling up inside me which can't be good for you. Anyway I think thats enough for today thanks for reading if you didn't give up half way through.

Anyway, probably write soon
Lauren

As I said in my profile I have found the delights of poetry:D. I have finished one about someone's lost love. It doesnt have a name but it can be called um Tormented Soul. So here goes my first blog. Hope you like it, let me know any thoughts:

Tormented Soul

Heart aches like a broken dream,
Eyes glisten with crystal tears,
No breathe strong enough,
All for a shattered love.

Questions run hysterically round your mind,

And the answers do not follow,

Instead tears flow,

And the sting of true love takes no prisoners.

If only it could end,

All of it,

If only the pain could be taken away,

Forever, leaving a destroyed soul.

But love does not abscond,

It is eternal,

Never to be forgotten,

The essence of being never forgets true love.